Some musings after attending a huge national conference.

  • Learn the difference between any think and any thing.  (Just to give you a wee clue there is no such word as anythink.)
  • Learn the difference between Free and THree.  If you are older than five you should be able to pronounce THR together in a line.  If not, move to Germany and just say TRee.  


If you are a woman and presenting, do not wear any tight beige/ taupe/ nude t-shirt.  While it may look stunning in real life, with the stage lights of the conference beaming down, you just look naked.  I mean, naked. Its very distracting.

Please remember that lots of people have paid a lot of money to attend the conference and watch and listen to you. Practice a few times, and ask someone to help you with your slides so they are engaging and remember that its not a lecture.  We want to see some interesting images too.

If you have flown around the world to speak to us, get your hair brushed before you get on the stage.  Or even cut the week before.

We are not at a bar or in a club.  Put some socks on. And stop dropping the F-bomb.  We all know it, we all use it, but not while presenting in front of 4000 people.  Have some respect for your audience.

Stock standard common courtesy.

If you want to talk to your best mate sitting next to you in the auditorium, just remember we can all hear you.  You might want to continue your private chat outside so we can all hear the speaker on the stage. This one also applies to the theatre, movie and live but will save that for another spray.

And while I am on an old lady rant…

Remember, you are in AWE of something. Not orr.   You are GRATEFUL. Not greatful. You don’t ‘loose’ something, you LOSE it.  Its a sneak PEEK (with your eyes), not peak (with a mountain goat).
And if you can’t work out the difference between THERE,  THEIR and THEY’RE… Well!  I FRO my hands in the ERR.
Now to leave you with musings from one of my favourite poets, Brian Bilston, here is The Grammar Police:

‘the grammar police got him

split his infinitive open,
removed his colon
and left him lying commatose

the next day he was pronouned dead

full stop’

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